Sideways

I wrote a story in the book of life today!

Shut the fuck up!

Fuhuckkkkkk
Sideways
angeofleak
i was making dinner last night and was in charge of making sloppy joes for work and had two new glarus beers in the meantime. i was drunk, i suppose...Aaron eventually came over and he complmented me and i said, "can you marry me one day?"

Gratitude Journal
Sideways
angeofleak
My body and its expression
Love
Touch
Butterflies
Silouhuette lighting
Jasmine tea
Deep breaths

Intense Therapy
Sideways
angeofleak
Therapy has me in a little funk...more on the contemplative side though. I have walls up, usually all the time but I use my outgoing qualities to keep people near enough to me without realizing that is what's going on. I feel like I take the burden of my own baggage all the time so the idea of sharing, being vulnerable or even relying on anyone is such a different and uneasy feeling for me. When I "try" to let people in, I am always asking myself why I did that or retract my needs completely because "I should've known better".

These days I'm feeling confused and conflicted...betwen the "old" me and the "new" ways I'm trying to handle things in my life without being reactive or retract into my old isolating ways. It's interesting realizing that my triggers are the same ones, but it's all a process. I'm trying to be gentle with myself and take things slow. No overhaul change crazes but just awareness around my anxiety of protecting my environment and my vulnerable self. I'm slowly working on truly letting people in, little by little and that's a lot to do for me so I'm proud of where I am right now, although it's been kind of uncomfortable but I know that this unease is due to changes happening inside me so, cheers!

Intense Therapy
Sideways
angeofleak
jessica_clavijo:‎ So, that therapy session...
jessica_clavijo:‎ Where do you think it left you in terms of your feelings for A?

Me:‎ ugh. confused. like seriously. i feel a wall coming up but i don't know how to let him in. i've been like this my whole life. i was raised to be "strong" and "independent" but i think that's my weakness....
Me:‎ i mean, i'm sure we will be fine but this is deeper than our relationship
Me:‎ this is my baggage and i have to face it...i just dont know how much to let him in on
Me:‎ i think i spooked him last night. he didn't expect me to say what i did when he asked why i was anxious anticipating therapy all day

jessica_clavijo:‎ Hmmm. I know he handles his situations differently than you. But you're aware of what he needs when he's depressed or anxious. Whether he needs company or to be left alone. I think he should try finding that same ground with you.

Me:‎ meh whatevs
Me:‎ it's not his job. it's mine to take care of myself. i can't put that responsibility on him

jessica_clavijo:‎ I think he wants that responsibility.
Me:‎ and i don't expect anyone to anticipate my needs when i am confused

jessica_clavijo:‎ I'm not saying he should read your mind or know exactly what you need when you don't even know. But if you're gonna call him and express yourself, he should have something better to say than nothing.

Me:‎ yeah. i mean eventually he said that we was essentially processing since he didn't expect me to say those things
Me:‎ and it influenced him to want to be there for me and fix things but that's not what i need
Me:‎ i don't need to be fixed. i feel like i should have kept my mouth shut and kept it to myself
Me:‎ i dunno. it's really fucked up. i don't want to talk to him about anything until i get my shit together

jessica_clavijo:‎ I can understand that. Did your therapist suggest how to get your shit together? Lol Like what are you supposed to do? How do you undo the way you were raised? Especially when it's familiar and weirdly comfortable....

Me:‎ i mean, just awareness at the moment. these are old habits and i need to dissect the emotions and reactions that come with it and not necessarily DO anything about it. my being aware of the fact that i get jittery about something should raise suspicion about what i've been throguh in the past that has formed patterns that keep popping up in all relationships in my life so instead of just addressing my relationship with Aa, i need to think of how i function as a whole...which i'm getting used to because everything was compartmenatlized with Carlos so it's confusing when the true me is being seen in all aspects of my life right now. it's new

jessica_clavijo:‎ Ahhh. I see! Damn...therapy makes you see all that? I probs need a session in my life. Lol I might come out a whole new person.

Me:‎ haha i think it's my mind's natural way to think in this manner of patterns, non emotion, etc...so it will look different if you are an emotional person. i'm more reactive.
Me:‎ but yes, once you start seeing that there is a reason, usually from before you learn that the developmental stages are where these come from, it makes it easier to see the big picture
Me:‎ the little things like waiting on Aaron aren't from him, not a new scenario. it comes from me learning not to need Carlos and moving on from him, leaving him behind. so now i'm feeling fearful of losing him since i lost carlos by taking care of myself and not waiting around but this can also be influenced by the situation with my dad...
Me:‎ i def think it's the best decision for my health...seeing a therapist. it slowed my reaction time and really lets me get to know myself so i don't have to rely on outside validation

jessica_clavijo:‎ Nice! I definitely feel like our through our own conversations I've been able to think outside the box about particular instances in my life. Why they happen, what I can do or not do about it.
jessica_clavijo:‎ So thanks! :)

I applied for my dream job yesterday! It's a perfect fit!
Sideways
angeofleak

Hello, Threadless!

I am beyond stoked to be submitting my resume to your company! I was recently present for the ArtWareness event last week and am passionate about your innovative business model; community-based partnerships. The murals displayed on your building have inspired me because your vision for the appealing is truly inspiring with how influential your company is. This has encouraged me to search for these artists on my own and has opened my eyes to such a rich art culture.

I am a perfect fit for this role because I believe taking time to build relationships and team enrichment are what contribute to a company's success. I am detail-oriented and have had the opportunity to play many roles at this current position where I have learned the importance of each of them. I enjoy learning about processes and implementing policies for improvement wherever needed such as implementing deadlines for engineers to submit timesheets and expenses to bill clients in a timely fashion. I currently function as project administrator, data analysis as well as execute some Human Resource duties.

Working for a small business, I have learned to integrate my job into my lifestyle so the creativity doesn't end when the day is over. Maintaining two jobs has afforded me the opportunity to be highly organized and channel my energy to remain focused. For 6+ years, this fast paced and hectic environment has taught me how to problem solve on my feet as well as handle clients from different backgrounds and have them leave satisfied and well taken care of. I've shaped an environment that lacks management and encouraged employees to follow a process for handling clients and other employees.

In addition, as a knitting artist, I have marketed and branded myself through the use of a personal website, SEO and Etsy as well as having the opportunity to sell at "pop-up" shops in the Chicago Cultural Center and throughout Chicago with local Bridgeport organization, SMALL Manufacturing Alliance. I have also donated hand knit pieces to organizations such as Crossroads Funds which builds awareness for injustices in Chicago.

I am attaching my resume and LinkedIn profile for your review. I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to review my experience and am eager to discuss this position with you further.

Regards,

Angelique Kalnes

Partnerships Coordinator / Manager

Chicago, IL | Partnerships / Business Development

Job Description

Position: Partnerships Coordinator / Manager Location: Chicago, IL

About this role:

Do you believe that relationships are uber-important and working with like-minded partners is fun? We do too! If you get a thrill from forming bonds and developing relationships keep reading – you just might have the chops to join our Partnerships team. We are looking for a teammate who represents our values, and you’ll notice your personal characteristics are respected as much as the experience you bring to the table.

Threadless is looking for a diligent, dynamic, and talented individual to coordinate (Manager title for the right candidate) and execute partnerships deals within the following areas:


  • Entertainment Licenses.

  • Manufacturing partners – domestic and international.

  • New partnerships with companies and brands within online and offline sectors.

This position reports to Threadless' VP of Partnerships.

Responsibilities:

This sounds great so far, but you really want to know what you’ll be doing, right?


  • ACCOUNT MANAGEMENT – Set goals and manage relationships of new and existing partners, as well as develop a keen understanding of partnership performance. Communicate effectively the findings of partner performance and develop proposed courses of action.


  • OPERATIONS MANAGEMENT – Drive success into each partnership and collaboration by using best project management practices. Supervise operational integration of new partnerships throughout the organization by communicating, managing, and coordinating with the company's Product, Creative, Marketing, Community, Technology and Finance departments.


  • WHOLESALE (Domestic and International) - Internal & external cross collaboration between the Threadless Creative and Marketing teams, and Threadless’ apparel manufacturing partners and Customer Service teams to deliver all creative needs. Support the VP of Partnerships in building international partners.


  • MARKETING - Coordinate on and offline marketing efforts.


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Sideways
angeofleak

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Found in my notepad app 1/19/13
Sideways
angeofleak

"I would like us to discuss our personal needs. We don't do that right now at all. We expect the other person to know what we want when we don't know what we want for ourselves as individuals. i want to feel like my thoughts, emotions or ideas will not be judged or looked down upon so I can freely express myself rather than feel like I have to walk on egg shells.

I want us to be able to argue because I think debate is healthy and communicate our feelings to relieve tension and build trust. We are scared to vent about our relationship and you are afraid of making me cry so you don't express yourself. I don't want you to hold back.

I think it's good that we have different interests but would like to work on doing new things together to build trust. I would like us to take care of ourselves and make ourselves happy before the other person and discuss our own feelings without fear or trying to appease and protect the other.

I would like more touching and physical comfort."

I am thankful that all of this has changed and I have these beautiful qualities in my current relationship.

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I've been here before
Sideways
angeofleak
I have brought up a few times that on shoot days, Aaron and I should just do our own things since he tends to run later than he anticipates. I don't judge and totally accept this about him. I don't know how processes or anything for that matter and I don't push to know. So when, once again, I get a last minute notification at 11pm that he's going to keep working on images after he had been shooting since 9am, I am disappointed and let him know.

"I am a little disappointed and looked forward to seeing you. I understand that you have things to do and want to stay focused, especially after a long day. Maybe we should stick to doing our own things on the days you shoot. I'm going to bed, love. Have a good night."

Then, like clockwork, he appears in my bedroom in the dark. I didn't realize he had been drinking and I told him that he can't just rush over whenever he wants or after I let him know I'm disappointed. We are humans and bound to be disappointed and he can't always fix it with his presence. Instead, I would love a heads up on a cancellation or just to not make plans on those days. It makes sense, right? I mean, I know he wants to see me, but that's not what this is about. I can't keep being excited to see my boyfriend then let down over and over again.

"I've been here before. I've been a lack of a priority and pushed back and squeezed in and obligated. I don't want to do that to you. I don't want you to feel like I'm an obligation when alls we had to do was communicate about your schedule. I am not judging you or what you do, I just have to set a boundary for myself and take care of myself here. I don't want you to over extend yourself to see me when I just needed a heads up." Then the conversation takes a different turn. Something about it being easier if we lived together blahblah. Then I realized he wasn't listening to me and had been drinking. I told him it was best to talk about this another time. I had to get up and take a minute to walk away and he wanted to chase me. It was only a few minutes and when I got back, he was going to go home. I told him to stay and we will hash it out in the morning. He didn't remember why we needed to talk after the numerous attempts to get in my pants.

So I guess I need to sort out two things: his drinking and him overextending himself to see me.

And now I'm afraid of what this relationship will bring since it's been about six months. I'm not doubting how into me this dude is....

New Dating Life and Ideas
Sideways
angeofleak
It's been almost 6 months since Aaron and I started dating and I can't believe that we made it this far. I mean, when I break down what makes our little equation, it does add up. We really have mad, open communication and have regular adventures. We have created (whether we knew it or not) a safe little humble place where we both are accepted and supported. It's quite beautiful. I have my doubts sometimes, both those are mine and have to do with my own self judgments and fears.

We openly communicated about the stress about my past relationship. He told me that although it may be taboo, he wanted to be there for me no matter what the topic. He is fully aware of how "soon" we started things. Sometimes I am triggered and my reactions want to be fear based but I have to take a minute, step back, breathe and if I left the situation, return knowing that there is nothing wrong with me and that coming back is huge progress.

He is very understanding and I made him aware of my running away, dealing with issues alone and lack of trust in others. He is also very aware that I don't let other people "in" or do things for me because I need to nix being let down. All of these things I'm aware of and that's the step before the change.

My therapist looked at me with glee at last week's session: "I am happy to hear all this! It's such a great opportunity for growth."

Me: "I guess that's true...interesting that you are loving my chaotic life..."

There are always going to be one or a few too many situations going on in my life and as it seems, Aaron's as well. We are super on-the-go, adventurous and huge hearted, open, loving people. I can confidently use the word "we" and not cringe or know that something is looming over my head or around the corner that would have me regret the term.

We converse...this idea blows my mind. I am vulnerable to him...to a great extent. I'm not pushing myself to be anywhere but where I am with noticing my fears being triggered. I'm working on being mindfully aware, present. I am learning about how to be gentle and compassionate with myself and even spreading this to Aaron.

Things are nice.
I'm in love.
We touch.

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Sideways
angeofleak

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